A Reading From Matthew, Mark, Lick, And John
To quote the great philosopher, Lin Manuel Miranda, “It’s been a bit of a day.”
While we all traditionally look forward to Friday being the winding down of a long week, in the time of Trump and COVID, nothing is ever that simple and peaceful. We are all familiar with the term “Friday night news dump” — it is typically when administrations try to sneak in firings, stories they want to fade by Monday. But again, in these unprecedented times, Friday is just another day, and news dump is literally what happens around the clock. At any moment more breaking fecal matter will flow from the sewers of power.
Today was no exception.
I could write about how Trump went on Rush Limbaugh’s radio show for two hours today and used the word “fuck.” Now, I personally have no problem with the word. I find it highly useful in all its glorious forms — noun, verb, adverb, adjective. But we all know had President Obama dropped an f bomb while threatening Iran on the radio, GOPers would still be rending their garments and bleeding from their ears. Hell, Lindsey Graham would still be on the fainting couch with the vapuhs.
Speaking of Lindsey — like all Republican Senators, he is refusing to be tested for COVID — can’t have a positive result eff with the voting on Handmaid Barrett, can we? He was supposed to have another debate with Jaime Harrison this evening. But the only thing he tested positive for was COWARDICE-2020 — so the debate has been canceled for safety reasons.
Up north, in the wake of the FBI reveal that they busted a baker’s dozen of buffoons who were planning to kidnap Governor Gretchen Whitmer, come several stories. We have this buffet platter of Incel+Inbreeding+Ignorance — Sheriff Dar Leaf (you cannot make this shit up) who gave an interview in which he defended the clown posse as being within their rights to conduct a citizen’s arrest on Whitmer. A citizen’s arrest. Sorry, Dur, I mean DAR — but kidnapping, planning to storm the capital building, blow up a bridge, and blame it on BLM is not a citizen’s arrest. But then, Dar is one of the great minds who belongs to a far right fringe group that believes they are the absolute authority in their counties and can enforce or not enforce whatever laws they please.
For reference on how batshit they are — Flair king David Clarke belongs. Seriously, these people look in the mirror and see something supreme? They are an infestation that must be rooted out if we are to ever have a hope of moving forward in this country. Especially in our law enforcement where so many of these racist, backwards, white supremacist vermin hide and protect those like the 13 who were arrested. Lord, DARliverance us from evil.
Back in the hotzone of the White House, mortician make-up model Trump will be having a tele-health exam tonight with another FOX lackey / doctor. Dr. Marc Siegel, who famously “diagnosed” Hillary Clinton with everything from Parkinson’s to anal warts when she merely stumbled during her campaign, will hold hold court tonight on Patient Zero’s incredible recovery. For reference on what a jackhole this one is, here’s a compilation of his wisdom.
Fox News medical contributor Marc Siegel is set to interview Trump tonight. Here’s what you need to know about him: pic.twitter.com/6OVISjPIOq
— Media Matters (@mmfa) October 9, 2020
Trump has also announced, having miraculously recovered from COVID thanks to drugs made on the backs of aborted fetuses (Pro-lifers? Pro-lifers? Bueller? Bueller? Hmmmm…), that he will be having an event at the White House tomorrow, and plans on resuming rallies in Florida next week. I wish COVID could only infect those stupid enough to attend, but the problem is with the fallout we innocent people suffer as they go forth from these super spreader events and give it to so many other people. Small FYI — US hospitalizations have hit their highest level since July, and we lost another 1,000 people since yesterday.
Sigh. Anyway, given the outhouse dump of news that has overflowed today, I thought I would try to cleanse your timeline with something better, loftier, far and away from the relentlessness of the pandemic and the COVIDiot-in-chief.
I thought I’d take you to church.
But be warned, I mean that in the totally raunchy Hozier way, not in the sing a Psalm for sick Pence, pocket full of fly way.
Come with me my children to New Orleans as we visit Saints Peter and Paul Roman Catholic Church. Mask and gloves, please, mask and gloves. You may want a full hazmat suit as well.
Meet Reverend Travis Clark. A pious man, ordained in 2013. A man ready to hit his knees, ministering to those before him. A man who will raise his eyes to the heavens, and praise the Lord — his voice echoing through the cathedral in praise of the miracles of which we mere mortals are capable.
A man of the clorgy, sorry clergy who got urge-y and was arrested a couple weeks ago for ministering on the altar with two dominatrices. I believe he was embodying (and bending a bit) Psalm 149:4… For the Travis takes delight in his people, he crowns the hummer with salivation.
I’ll pause while you allow that bit of scripture to sink in. I’d offer you Holy Water, but there’s no telling what’s been rinsed off in it…
Back to the chapel, shall we?
It was the night of September 30 and a passerby saw the lights on in the church, far later than they ever are. When the witness entered, they lifted their eyes to the hills of two semi clothed women and the priest performing an exorcism of sorts — he was trying to rid himself of something….
Yes, there they were — Travis and two altar servers — 41-year-old Mindy Dixon and 23-year-old Melissa Cheng — celebrating the glory of Oh Gaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwddddddddddddd together, his vestments discarded, his sacraments swaying in the candlelight, Holy Oil everywhere, and the altar complete with stage lighting, sex toys, and a cellphone on a tripod.
I know, I know, Jesus, Mary, and Blowseph…
The three were arrested on obscenity charges, as their worship servicing was visible to others.
I suppose the bright side here is that a priest was caught having sex and it was not with a child.
Travis has been relieved (hahahaha) of his ecumenical duties and the Archbishop was brought in to perform a ritual that would restore the sanctity of the altar. I assume it included incense, a rosary, and Clorox Wipes. (Good thing Travis was not doing the Stations of the Cross, wipes are still in short supply.)
The semenary where he trained could not be reached for comment, and there is no word on whether they were doing it dogma style. I know, I know, peeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwww... I confess sometimes I get carried away. What shall my penis, sorry, penance be?
OK, I’ll stop. You’re saints for getting this far. Enjoy your weekend. And don’t be like Trump or Travis — wear a goddamned mask and remember to use your wipes.
