As The Brits Would Say, I’m Taking A Piss At COVIDiots
Bleach, hydroxychloroquine, light bulbs up the ass, ivermectin, nebulizing iodine and peroxide, overdosing on zinc, salt water sprays, colloidal silver, inhalation of steam, extreme temperature baths, exposure to the color white, mixing cocaine, amphetamines and nicotine, cannabis, CBD oil, chloroform, Viagra, drinking ethanol alcohol, Virus Shut Out Protection Pendants, a Greek hand cream, paint stripper, chlorine dioxide, camel piss, a cotton ball soaked in violet oil applied to the anus, lemon water, garlic, tumeric, mango, durian, drinking water every 15 minutes, taking six deep breaths and then coughing — all of these have been touted as, preached about, espoused on, and trumpeted throughout social media as cures and/or prevention methods in the face of our coronavirus pandemic.
When reached for comment, COVID-19 laughed its violet oil soaked asshole off.
Every one of those listed above is real — I did not make them up, and it’s not even an exhaustive list of the quackery and dullardly desperation of those who would rather ingest paint stripper than get a simple shot in the arm. These methods proliferate in Facebook groups in every language around the world, are traded on dark web boards, and concocted as get-rich-quick schemes by those who see how easy it is to empty a pocket while the subject fills up on lemon water and peroxide while wearing a dimestore pendant.
On one hand it is entirely easy to understand how these things proliferate. We are a Kardashian-attention-span populace always on the look out for the magic bullet — look at weight loss products. They all promise the same thing — little to no effort, big results. Just drink this/take our pill and SHAZAM! — instant weight loss. WHICH DOES NOT HAPPEN. Yet all one need do is open the back of the latest US Weekly to find yet another celebrity endorsed product. No where in the .5 font disclaimer does it tell you how the celebrity pictured has a personal chef, personal trainer, and personal plastic surgeon involved in their weight loss “journey”. (Or about the inevitable lawsuits the celebrities and makers face that result from the lies and danger — like the product and Kardashian at the right.)
But the money pours in. So, of course, people will try anything to avoid COVID-19. Well, anything except the vaccines that have been administered BILLIONS of times. Which is where that other hand comes in and things fall apart — their excuses are so thin you can read the paper through them.
We don’t know what’s in them. Well, yes, yes we do. And you have been told a million times already.
I’m doing more research. Than the epidemiologists who conduct their research around the clock, year after year? How much more “research” do you think you are going to glean off a Google search or a gaggle of Facebook Karens?
I have religious objections. Sorry, even the Pope has told you to get off your ass and get vaccinated.
They can’t tell me what to do. Well, yes, actually, they can — you get told what to do every goddamned day of your life. Speed limits, stop signs, no shirt, no shoes, no service, proof of insurance, car registration, taxes, ID required to fly, and yes, vaccinations. Your right to be a diaper load crybaby ends where public health and safety begins. And as far as vaccinations? You do realize how many have been injected into you since you took your first breath, right? Try enrolling your offspring without them. They are also the reason we do not see polio and iron lungs everywhere we look.
What we are seeing everywhere we look are new cases of COVID’s stealthy Omicron variant. Since yesterday at 1pm, we have added 1,639,775, obliterating the world record for new cases in a single day. Go us. We have lost another 3,423 lives. (We lost our collective minds when 9/11 took 2,977 people, yet we are seeing that daily again and we don’t even blink.) Hospitals across the country are implementing crisis care protocols meaning you may be SOL if you need emergency care, or if you show up unvaccinated and in dire COVID straits. Yes, the oath is First do no harm, but they cannot do any help if there is no space or medical personnel to provide it.
And that last part? Being unvaxxed and running to the ER unable to breathe? Well, my give-a-shit meter is broken. You people bleat about not believing in science and not trusting the doctors begging you to do the right thing to protect yourself, your loved ones, and society, yet the first thing you do when your body exposes how stupid you have been is to run and beg science to save you. Pound sand. Your hubris and bullshit and ‘it’s just a cold’ garbage have endangered others, killed others, for over two years now. What you deserve is to be referred back to your Facebook group and have the ER door slammed in your wheezing maw.
But fear not — there you will find the latest cure! It’s simple, easy to obtain, and homemade! Just drink your own piss. Forget the camels I mentioned above. Just pee into an old Snapple bottle and drink up. Or if you’re adept, guys, just lay on your back and aim.
I’m not kidding.
Groups on FB have been in existence for years espousing the restorative, preventative, curative abilities of your golden shower. But in the age of COVID they have proliferated. Parents trade secrets to get their kids to ingest it. One mom wrote of sneaking a wee bit of wee into lemonade and freezing it into popsicles.
Again, not kidding. How about this advice gleaned straight from one of the groups? “The mid-stream of the first morning urine is the most important drink of the day.” Bottoms up?
Gee whiz — if that’s not enough, you can find advice and recipes for urine eye drops, enemas, douches, gargling with urine for 20 to 30 minutes, or ageing urine (to concentrate the effects). And let’s not forget the diehards who bathe in their own urine.
All of this to avoid getting vaccinated. Because vaccines became a political football under an orange oaf for whom golden showers have long been rumored to be a favorite.
What’s next? Eating our own “topsoil”? It’s not farfetched as they are rapidly running out of options and orifices. And given how quickly they grasp onto the next new thing to be shared online? Well, I wouldn’t partake of the chocolate pie the next time you attend one of their potlucks.
When it comes to COVID magic bullets, one day urine, the next day you’re out…